I feel very, very alone. And very, very scared. And very, very ugly. And very, very fat. And lots of other very, very bad things. I hate my new school. Every one I have met is crazy and on drugs or having sex or other stupid things except for the girls in my ward. And so I hang around them and pretend like they are my friends. They aren't really. They are friends. And I am the random new kid who is following them around. I am there Cherokee.
I realized that no one who reads this has any idea who Cherokee is because the only person who would understand is Macquel and she hasn't cared about anything I have had to say for the last year or two. The story Macquel knows is that in the sixth grade there was this girl named Cherokee and she was new. And she wanted to be our friend so badly. She sat with us at lunch and followed us around the play ground. And we ignored her because we were already friends, we didn't need her. It is only now that I understand that she needed us. And I feel so bad for not being friends with her. Add that to my list of regrets.
So that is why I feel alone. I am scared because of the other two things I said I felt. Fat and Ugly. I can only remember feeling this alone once in my life. Right at the beginning of seventh grade. I feel a lot like I did then and that scares me to death because just look at how I reacted then. I stopped eating, shut out my family, and picked the wrong friends. I totally messed up and I can see myself falling into those same traps all over again. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was sure in what I believed and how I felt about myself. I was getting better. And now I can't say that any more.
It has only been a week at the new school and already I see myself skipping meals and pretending to be some one I'm not, at home and at school. It isn't good. And I can see it but I am not sure if I can stop it by myself. Actually, that is a lie. I am positive that I CAN"T stop it by myself. I'm just not sure if any one else will help me.

hello dear world.
I am quite tired. I am also quite bored. I am also supposed to have done a lot more homework this weekend. Alas I have done none. Oh well, I will put it off for another day. None of it is in dire need of finishing. I have made a goal. Would you like to hear about it? Oh good. I am going to tell you. I have decided that I will finish one of my stories before the start of next school year. I have yet to decide wither to finish the one with the better characters (Tristan) or the better plot (Marks). either way I am going to finish one of them. And the other will follow shortly. After that i will go on other exciting voyages into the deep recesses of my brain. And who knows what we will find there. Maybe a mermaid, or a leprechaun, or a girl with a yellow hat and green shoes. Maybe we will find out that a boy named Destry plays the didgeridoo in Manhattan, or Emery JoAnn is in love, or Bobert from Washington ate a jar of mayonnaise on a dare. Who knows, and who cares? Those are adventures for another day.

Today I am not going to give you another list. I am tired of lists. I want to give you my words, my thoughts, and what ever other random things I decide to type out in the next few minutes. I decided that while lists are great fun, they do not tell you everything I want to get out. And that just won't work for me today because I have a lot to get out.
Lots of feelings trying to burst out of my family this week. I think that is why we all got sick this week, why we can't get rid of this silly what ever it is. We are all to stressed. February 15. That is the day. The day of all days. Moving day. Two weeks and five days and I will be out of my beautiful, wonderful house. And, lets face it, I am scared to death about it.
I don't want to move, ever. I want to stay right where I am. I like where I am. I like that this little yellow house, with it's rose bushed and crazy paint, has always been here. It has always been home. All of my stories, all my memories, they all center around this place.
9976 North Oak Road West, Cedar Hills, UT. That is my address. That is where I belong. That is where I have celebrated every birthday I can remember, and a few I can't. That is where my parents brought Faith after she is born. That is where I met Celina. That is where I learned everything I know. It is where I read my first book. Where I started writing. Gracen broke her wrist for the first time on this street. I said goodbye to Celina when she moved in this neighborhood. I fell in love for the first time here. I have done everything with in a few blocks of this house. It is where I grew up. And now I have to leave.
I don't want to leave here, and I don't want to go there, where ever there is. I don't want to have to move into a new ward, make new friends. I am shy. I don't deal with new people well. I shut down and block them out. I have friends here. I know that the people who live around me will always be there when I need them, I don't want to lose that and go some where that I don't know that. I don't want to go to church on Sunday and sit in a room full of people I don't know who have what I have here. I don't want to be the new girl. I don't know how to do that, and I have no interest in learning.

New Year's Resolutions

I know I am a little late but I wanted to be sure that I was actually committed to doing what I said I would. So here are my new year resolutions, the ones that I am sure about at least:

Spiritual:

• read the Book of Mormon all the way through again.
• be excited for mutual.
• earn my honor bee.

Physical:

• eat better than i have been, maybe even a veggie every few months.
• start running again when it gets warmer.
• take vitamins and try to stay healthy.

Mental:

• get a 4.0 this term, I have been slacking off for way to long.
• read 100 new books.
• learn about another culture.

Fanatical:

• save up for collage.
• spend a little so that I don't hate work.
• don't forget my tithing.

Writing:

• finish, and name, Hilary and Tristan's story.
• write at least 30 minutes a day.
• don't use writing as an excuse to get out of homework.

today I:

1. slept in until 11:30. it was lovely.
2. didn't feel good.
3. got my mom a soda.
4. went christmas shopping. it wasn't lovely, but it is good now that it is done with.
5. wasted an hour doing nothing on the computer.
6. took a nap
7. did my chore, poorly but I did it.
8. made some hot chocolate.
9. wrote chapter 18 of my book.
10. drank my hot chocolate.
11. finally got my french homework done.
12. finished my chore.
13. came and saw that 13 people in Russia have read my blog.
14. thought about how you guys might be bored of lists.
15. wrote this list any way.
16. got ready to go to Olive Garden with me famillia.

Alphabet soup

1. alphabet soup.
2. bumble bees.
3. can any one tell me something good that happened today?
4. don't touch my cactus. It bites.
5. every one dance. now.
6. funny funny.
7. go die in a hole. I don't want to see you.
8. happy birthday.
9. iggy the iguana was my favorite.
10. juice boxes win.
11. keep them coming.
12. lame response to a serious question.
13. many days, wasted doing nothing.
14. nothing ever stays the same.
15. over you. I am defiantly over you.
16. possibly, or maybe not.
17. quiet down, I am pretending to sleep.
18. raise up and change something if you are so unhappy.
19. stop your belly yakin'.
20. totally, i would love to. if you were some one else.
21. under the bridge, that is where the adventure begins.
22. very curious.
23. weasly wizarding wheezes.
24. xylaphone. I am a xylaphone player.
25. you broke my heard and didn't ever know it.
26. zebras graze happily in the plains of spain.

Favorite Movies

these are in no particular order. This is just the order I thought of them, which might mean that they are in order of favoritism but I am not sure.

1. The Princess Bride
2. Aladdin
3. How To Trian Your Dragon
4. Hercules
5. Titanic
6. Harry Potter (all of them)
7. The Little Mermaid
8. Chocolat
9. Mr. Magoriums Wonder Imporium
10. Serendipity
11. Tuck Everlasting
12. Return of the King (Lord of the Rings)
13. A little princess
14. Finding Neverland
15. A Walk to Remember
16. Dispicable me
17. ever After
18. Savana Smiles
19. Hoccus Poccus
20. Mulan
21. The Shaggy Dog
22. Jumper
23. Pirates of the Caribean
24. Once Upon A Forrest
25. The Santa Clause

places I want to go and things I want to do:

so with the last two posts I decided that really like making lists so I am going to continue with it:

1. I want to climb every solitary step to the top of the Eiffel tower.
2. I want to watch the sun set over the Nile River.
3. I want to build an orphanage in Ghana.
4. I want to kiss a boy at the top of the Empire State Building.
5. I want to ride a double Decker bus in the rain through the streets of London.
6. I want to buy a nesting doll in China.
7. I want to fall in love in the Irish country side.
8. I want to ride a horse down the beach in Greece.
9. I want to eat Susi in Japan.
10. I want to bungee jump off of Bloukrans Bridge in South Africa.
11. I want to go to the Holocaust Museum in Germany.
12. I want to sky dive over Lake Wanaka in New Zealand.
13. I want to go scuba diving on the great barrier reef.
14. I want to hike to the top of a volcano in Krakatoa, Indonesia.
15. I want to learn to ski in the Andie's Mountains.
16. I want to go on a safari in Tanzania, Africa.
17. I want to watch the Running of the Bulls in Spain.
18. I want to swim with dolphins in Mexico.
19. I want to see the Colosseum in Rome.
20. I want to eat geloto at the Trevi Fountain.
21. I want to walk along the Great Wall of China.
22. I want to join in at the tomato throwing festival in Bulon Spain.
23. I want to ride an elephant in Chiang Mai Thailand.
24. I want to see the Tai Ma hall.
25. I want to tour the Sydnee Opera House.

more of me

1. I have a passion for words.
2. I hate wearing red.
3. the orange m&m's are the best.
4. my hair doesn't like to corporate.
5. my best friend in the world is Celina Ferrell.
6. I want a big dog with big paws and floppy ears.
7. I hate the cold.
8. I always get sick the first week of November.
9. I wish I could lick my elbow.
10. I don't capitalize anything but the word 'I'.
11. I hate the word sneeze.
12. I hate when people say more (insert verb)er.
13. I have 29 teeth but I count the one that is in the roof of my mouth.
14. I haven't tied my shoes in 6 years.
15. I hate mexican food.
16. all the clothes hanging up in my closet are clothes that I don't wear. I put the clothes I wear in drawers.
17. my favorite thing to eat is a cherry-lime Slurpee and gross gas station nachos.
18. I really like history.
19. I think the dessert is the most beautiful place in the world.
20. I love driving to Vegas even though I get sick in the car.
21. I want a huge family when I grow up.
22. when it is raining at night I always imagine some epic adventure taking place.
23. I have when people hug you from behind.
24. It bothers me when people don't put periods at the end of there sentences.
25. I wish my room were upstairs so that a boy could throw rocks up at my window.
26. I wish my name weren't so common.
27. I am proud to be named after my grandma.
28. when Gracen and me fight I always feel like crying but I don't because she would yell at me.
29. twenty nine is my least favorite number.
30. when I was younger heffelumps and woozles scared me.
31. my nightmares always involve ants. every time.
32. I want to live forever.
33. I have never had a boy tell me he liked me.
34. when I count out seconds I always skip 20. I don't know why.
    
35. I don't like pancakes or cheese.
    
36. I worry that I will get sick like my mom did.
37. I hate driving to Silver Lake because the dirt road on the way there scares me.
38. my favorite toothpaste flavor is sparkle fun and me and Cini ate a full tube of it once.
39. my favorite memory is hiding from a 'tornado' in a 'steel fort of strong-ness' with Grace and Cini.
40. an ellipsis is my favorite punctuation mark (the . . .).
41. I once wrote a fight scene and to make sure it made scene I acted it out in my room by myself.
42. I love peter pan.
43. old books are one of the things I can smell.
44. I really wish I could smell because i feel like I am missing out on something.
45. titanic makes me cry every time.
46. I love to bake but when I eat what I make I feel fat.
47. my least favorite subject is english.
48. I don't make wishes at 11:11, I make them at 10:10 because it makes me feel like a rebel.
49. I wish I were a rebel but I hate breaking the rules, I am afraid to let people down.
50. I need to clean my room.
    

Facts about me

Well, I have been trying to think of something to say to those few people who take the time from there days to read my blog and I have decided to steel my friends idea and tell you random facts about myself.

1. my favorite color is yellow, but not because it s a happy color but because it reminds me of the sun and I like being warm.
2. I love my handwriting even though it is really messy.
3. Every Christmas Eve me and my sisters have a sleep over and it is my favorite night of the year.
4. I don't like most people but I am good at pretending too.
5. My favorite movies are all Disney cartoons.
6. I have never seen a full episode of SpongeBob.
7. My phones name is Felisha.
8. I don't like chocolate cake, or chocolate ice cream, but I like chocolate.
9. I hate bulleted lists.
10. I think I look pretty in silver.
11. I like the boy I sit next to in seminary.
12. I want to kiss a boy in the rain.
13. When I was in fourth grade I told my friend she looked like a man, I still feel bad about it.
14. I have read all of the harry potter books at least 3 times.
15. My favorite color to write with is Pink.
16. No matter what I have wanted to be, it always ends with me famous and powerful
    
17. My worst fear is being forgotten.
18. I write because of a scripture that says that by our writings we shall be known.
19. It bothers me that I don't fit into a stereotype.
20. I am a facebook adict.
21. I hate secrets.
22. I lie a lot, even when I am trying not to.
23. I have red eye in my driver's license photo.
24. I wish I had musical talent.
25. I sing in the shower.
26. I think emo boys are hot.
27. I like Miley Cyrus but not Hannah Montana.
28. I often wish I was one of the space men from toy story.
29. Snuggies are stupid, but I want one.
30. The Hokie Pokie is my favorite dance.
31. I hate that I have to move, because it is scary.
32. I want to give my first daughter 5 middle names.
33. I practice my smile for school pictures.
34. I procrastinate.
35. 7 is my favorite number.
36. I like my hair best when I spike it out.
37. I hate odd numbers.
38. Kelsie is my favorite older sister.
39. Gracen and Faith are tied for my favorite younger sister.
40. I hate when I know someone has a secret and won't tell me what it is.
41. When I stare at you I am thinking of how lucky I am to be your friend.
42. 42 isn't the answer to the universe, 74 is.
43. I am OCD about lots of things but my room is a mess.
44. I hate when I lose things.
45. I hate most of my pictures.
46. I am watching Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide right now.
47. I love walking in the rain.
48. I watch movies when I am home alone.
49. It bothers me when people write on there hands.
50. I don't have a 50th thing to say about myself.
    

High school oh High school

Well it is official, I have started high school. And you know what, for all the build up I gave it, it isn't that much different then jr. high. Only it is better. I love my new school and the freedoms I am already feeling. I feel a thousand times more trusted then I was in jr. high. It is like they finally realized that we weren't babies and are treating us like it. The work is challenging and I am actually learning things, the teachers are nice, and the people . . . oh the people. I have not made to many new friends but I love the variety of people at my school. I have already formed the habit of sitting there and watching people. They have already revived me and helped me to start writing again, really writing like I haven't for almost a year. I feel as though this will be a good change, one that will change every thing, for ever, and for the better.