I feel very, very alone. And very, very scared. And very, very ugly. And very, very fat. And lots of other very, very bad things. I hate my new school. Every one I have met is crazy and on drugs or having sex or other stupid things except for the girls in my ward. And so I hang around them and pretend like they are my friends. They aren't really. They are friends. And I am the random new kid who is following them around. I am there Cherokee.
I realized that no one who reads this has any idea who Cherokee is because the only person who would understand is Macquel and she hasn't cared about anything I have had to say for the last year or two. The story Macquel knows is that in the sixth grade there was this girl named Cherokee and she was new. And she wanted to be our friend so badly. She sat with us at lunch and followed us around the play ground. And we ignored her because we were already friends, we didn't need her. It is only now that I understand that she needed us. And I feel so bad for not being friends with her. Add that to my list of regrets.
So that is why I feel alone. I am scared because of the other two things I said I felt. Fat and Ugly. I can only remember feeling this alone once in my life. Right at the beginning of seventh grade. I feel a lot like I did then and that scares me to death because just look at how I reacted then. I stopped eating, shut out my family, and picked the wrong friends. I totally messed up and I can see myself falling into those same traps all over again. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was sure in what I believed and how I felt about myself. I was getting better. And now I can't say that any more.
It has only been a week at the new school and already I see myself skipping meals and pretending to be some one I'm not, at home and at school. It isn't good. And I can see it but I am not sure if I can stop it by myself. Actually, that is a lie. I am positive that I CAN"T stop it by myself. I'm just not sure if any one else will help me.