you know those really gushy love stories? the ones that end with the couple riding off into the sunset with everyone smiling? I want one of those. and I firmly believe I am going to get one of those because I believe they are possible. I just have to find the boy who still believes that.

It makes me sad how little people believe in happily ever after these days. I think that is because they have twisted what it means in their heads until it really does seem impossible. you see, to me happily ever after doesn't mean that we are going to be happy every second of every day for the rest of ever after. It means, we found the thing that will all ways make us happy at the end of the day for ever after. It means that we found the thing that will make everything better when everything is going wrong. It means we are happy despite the tears because we have each other.

Is that so hard to believe in?

well, here we are. May the fourth. which is national star wars day. May the forth be with you. . . it is silly, and 'pun'ny. I rather enjoy it. and I am sick so I slept all day and panicked when I woke up and saw it was dark out. I thought I might have failed in my self imposed blogging adventure. don't worry, I didn't. I am writing this at 9:56. and it is still star wars day.
Yet another side effect of my being ill this evening is that I do not feel like writing or talking to people (sorry mike and heather, I will converse with you when my head stops spinning). That makes writing a decent length blog post (yes I realise yesterday's was not very great) very difficult so I am going to copy and paste a chapter from Things You Can't Say into this lovely blog post for you reading enjoyment. I am not sure why I chose this one, but here it is.

I forget how to breathe almost a mile away from the house. As soon as we pass the Jr. High a flood of memories comes rushing into my brain as a dam breaks somewhere in the back of my head. We turn onto the street and the flood turns into a monsoon, tearing away every other though and leaving nothing but broken memories filled with terror and pain, tears mixed with blood, screams mingling themselves with cries.

Why was I doing this to myself? Holly had been right. What was this going to prove? How was it going to help? What, was I trying to prove that Tristan was wrong, that he could have come to find me? I already knew that. Did I want to see him? I wasn’t sure if I did any more, and even if I did, what was I going to do? Knock on the front door? If I was stupid enough to do that the best I could hope for would be for Paul to put a bullet through my head the second he saw me. Whatever my reasons were, I would be stupid to follow through. I should just turn around now.

Even as I have the thought I know I’m not going to listen to logic, even when it is coming from me. So I keep walking and the closer we get the more my mind is screaming that this was going to be bad for me. Between the torrent of memories clouding my mind with a red haze, my lungs shriveling out of existence, and the wave of tears that I am trying to keep from spilling I am not sure how I hear Holly.

“Hilary? Are you okay? We can turn around and go back to school if you want too. You don’t have to do this.” We round the corner while she talks and the second the house comes into view it is all I can see.

My vision blurs with tears and Holly’s words don’t matter, all I can hear is Paul’s voice, yelling at me. It’s my fault. No one loves me. I’m stupid. I did it wrong. I’m in trouble. Always in trouble because I did it wrong. What’s wrong with me? Tristan come here . . . you need to learn a lesson. I’m in the dark. In the dark because I am in trouble. It is my fault. Shut up. Nothing I can do. Never right. My fault. Tristan. Pain. Hate. Shut up. My fault. Dark.

this is my seventieth post! aren't you all so proud of me? Well I am proud so you should be to. And don't go check how long it took me to get to seventy. it is sad and pathetic. Any way, I was so proud (or maybe it was so bored) that I made a cake. And I named him Oscar the Cake. He is a very yummy cake and if any one close enough to me to come get a peice, or three, wants one, they should text me or some such and I will share. Sorry Tami and Mike, and the random stranger from turkey who reads this, you could have some but I don't think it is worth the trip. It isn't that good of a cake.
Isn't he beautiful?

onward with day two of my marvelous blogging adventure! today's topic? good question, there is none. I just had to say something because I WILL NOT fail this mission on the second, or third, or twenty-ninth day. I will succeed. and I will say something that is less lame than this. give me a moment to think. . .






thinking. . .






thinking. . .






still thinking. . .







by george, I think I've got it!


I decided that Pleasant Grove High School is not a very great school and I need to get back into Lone Peak. Do you want to hear my reasoning?

I am not learning anything, and not for lack of trying. It feels as though my teachers don't want to teach me. I mean, at Lone Peak I don't remember a teacher ever being late for class. Here? nearly every day I have at least one teacher who shows up 20 minutes late. And then they don't teach us any thing. They assign us homework and tell us to do it but never tell us how. Isn't that their job? I thought so too.

Then, because they aren't teaching me how to do this homework I go home and try to do it, but I am not sure how and so when I turn it in the next day I get bad grades on it, so I try to go in and talk to them at lunch or what ever and they aren't there or they tell me to come back later. For example, last week I was having trouble in my english class so I went in at lunch and she said she was busy but if I came back at 7 the next morning she would be able to help me. Guess who sat outside her room for 45 minutes the next morning waiting for her? That would be me.

So I am spending more time on homework than I ever have and get it all turned in on time and I still have the worst grades I have ever had, even if you count the seventh grade when I gave up on school entirely.

And just to add one more thing to the pile of complaints, I am not even on half of my teacher's roles yet. I have been there for more than a month now and my physics teacher asked me who I was last week. What the heck? And on the schedule they printed me on my first day they printed it wrong so I got my two third period classes mixed up. Which I found out today, which means I have not gone to my health or physics class once. And yet I haven't been marked absent and have the best grades in those two classes. Don't you think some one should have noticed this in the last month? I think the answer is yes.

So tomorrow I am going to go into the counseling office and talk to them and see if there is any possible way to get back into Lone Peak next year. And if they say no I do not know what I will do but I REALLY do not want to stay here because I care to much about my education to waste my time with people who aren't helping me.

wish me luck.
taylor.

I have made a decision. I have decided that I am going to try and post something on here every day. Won't that be oh so interesting? Probably not. Oh well, I shall do it any way.
Today is the first day of May. Do any of you know what that means?
It means,
33 days until school is out.
6 days until the 4th of July
71 days until I go to TN.
155 days until my birthday.
183 days until halloween.
238 days until Christmas.
600 days until the end of the world.
764 days until I graduate high school (that is a lot of days!)
and a number of days until I die.

the end.
taylor.

The question: what is love?
The answer:

According to dictionary.com:
Love:
[luhv]–noun

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire.


According to the Bible dictionary:

This word seems to require explanation only in the case of its use by our Lord in his interview with "Simon, the son of Jonas," after his resurrection (John 21:16, 17). When our Lord says, "Lovest thou me?" he uses the Greek word _agapas_; and when Simon answers, he uses the Greek word _philo_, i.e., "I love." This is the usage in the first and second questions put by our Lord; but in the third our Lord uses Simon's word. The distinction between these two Greek words is thus fitly described by Trench:, "_Agapan_ has more of judgment and deliberate choice; _philein_ has more of attachment and peculiar personal affection. Thus the 'Lovest thou' (Gr. agapas) on the lips of the Lord seems to Peter at this moment too cold a word, as though his Lord were keeping him at a distance, or at least not inviting him to draw near, as in the passionate yearning of his heart he desired now to do. Therefore he puts by the word and substitutes his own stronger 'I love' (Gr. philo) in its room. A second time he does the same. And now he has conquered; for when the Lord demands a third time whether he loves him, he does it in the word which alone will satisfy Peter ('Lovest thou,' Gr. phileis), which alone claims from him that personal attachment and affection with which indeed he knows that his heart is full." In 1 Cor. 13 the apostle sets forth the excellency of love, as the word "charity" there is rendered in the Revised Version.

According to poet Carl Sandburg:

Explanations of Love

There is a place where love begins and a place
where love ends.

There is a touch of two hands that foils all dictionaries.

There is a look of eyes fierce as a big Bethlehem open hearth
furnace or a little green-fire acetylene torch.

There are single careless bywords portentous as a
big bend in the Mississippi River.

Hands, eyes, bywords–out of these love makes
battlegrounds and workshops.

There is a pair of shoes love wears and the coming
is a mystery.

There is a warning love sends and the cost of it
is never written till long afterward.

There are explanations of love in all languages
and not one found wiser than this:

There is a place where love begins and a place
where love ends- and love asks nothing.

According to a writer at Time Magazine:

Love's symptoms are familiar enough: a drifting moodiness in thought and behavior, the mad conceit that the entire universe has rolled itself up into the person of the beloved, a conviction that no one on earth has ever felt so torrentially about a fellow creature before. Love is ecstasy and torment, freedom and slavery. Poets and songwriters would be in a fine mess without it. Plus, it makes the world go round. http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,977763,00.html#ixzz1L2ARe4TK

According to www.love.ygoy.com:

• Love is not a necessity, but it is life's greatest gift and luxury. It is to care, to be kind and patient. It is considered as perfect love when a person doesn't expect anything else but love.
• Love is or should be unconditional. And thus is giving and selfless, it is a celebration of what is right and what is true
• Love is undying devotion.
• Love is the desire to be intimate both physically and emotionally.
• Love endures all, hopes all, and bears all. It is believing, sharing and dreaming.
• Love is a feeling of completeness, forgiving, understanding and inspiring.
• Love is the attainment of life's greatest inspiration. It is supporting, but not overbearing.
• Love is a complete expression of oneself or the other. it is being open to each other's expression
• Love can be strong, yet so fragile.
• There are those out there who have not been lucky enough to find it, some never will. In addition, what one would call true love...love in its best, purest, truest sense is even rarer and harder to find.
• The dream of finding and marrying for true love exists and concludes by everything falling into place.

According to me:

I think it is the most powerful thing in the entire universe. I mean people will do absolutely anything for the people that they love. I believe that love can last through anything. That if you really love someone nothing is going to change that. I believe that love never stops. You aren't going to just stop loving someone. If you love someone, at all, you are going to die loving them. You might get hurt by that person and you might wish you hated them, heck you might even really hate them, but at the same time they are always going to be a part of who you are because when you love someone it changes you. They become a part of who you are, and that isn't going to change.

Love is when someone steps into your life and leaves their hand print on your heart.

Hello world. Want to hear what is exciting? I think I have a title. This is a big deal, in case some one who hasn't had this problem is reading this. And I am very excited. Hence me asking if you wanted to hear what is exciting.
Do you want to hear what it is? Because if you keep reading you will find out. At least you will hear some of the options. And then you will have to tell me what your thoughts are.
And now, with out further ado, the working title(s):
The Things You (Just) Don't Say
or
The Things You (Just) Won't Say
or
The Things You (Just) Can't Say
As you can see, I have the basic idea down. I just can't decide if I like the word just in there, which would be why I have it in parenthesizes in there. And I can't decide between won't, don't and can't.

See won't is very applicable. There are a lot of things concerning all of their pasts that they simply will not say. They could, and they possibly should, say them. They simply won't.

The don't is also very applicable. There are so many things that they (and when I say they, I am mostly talking about Hilary.) don't say. Things that they want people to know, things that they need to get out, that they don't say because they are worried that people won't listen, or care.

And again, the can't say is very applicable. Some of the things in there past, or even there present, mostly the things I referred to previously, are things that they simply cannot say. Whether it is because of loyalties or because they are not ready to admit them out loud.

And so I will give this deep thought, and I will read the one comment that mike will leave when I tell him to, and I will make a decision.

And by the way, Heather would be so proud, I capitalized every single word that should be capitalized. I did it only because she complained to me about my capitalizing habits and it pained me to break my habit for a few moments.

Fair thee well.
Taylor

I have a strategy for when I am beating myself up. it is a mantra of sorts. it started with Sister Saban. She told a story in young women's one day about a lady who simply hated her husband. She knew that wasn't right and so she decided to change that. And so every night she thought of one new thing she liked about him. I changed that a little bit. I started with my fundamental knowledge. And then, every time I thought a new negative thought I made myself sit down and add one more thing to my "list of indisputable and lovely facts about Taylor Ann Lapp". Today, i am having a hard time thinking of a new one and so I am going to write them down. That always helps me focus my mind.
And so with out further ado, I give you "The list":

I am a daughter of god.
He created me, every ounce and inch.
He doesn't make mistakes.
He loves me.
I should love myself.
He loves me because I am amazing.
I am accomplished.
I am talented.
I am an amazing writer.
I can do anything I set my mind to.
Somewhere there is a man who is perfect for me.
I am perfect for him.
I don't need to change.
I am not inadequate.
I am a good big sister.
I am a good friend.
when I think bad things about myself, I am lying to myself.


What did I add today?
I am me. and that is good.


Some day, I hope to be able to add one thing to this list, and truly believe it to be an indisputable and lovely fact about Taylor Ann Lapp:
I am perfect.


that is all.

I have been thinking a lot of different thoughts tonight (it is something that tends to happen when I attempt to do my math homework). I have been thinking about the rain.

I truly love the rain the way I love few other things. I love when it is pouring rain and I can laying my bed or sit on my front porch and just listen to it. Some times, when I listen hard enough I can hear the stories it is telling, the stories that dried up and blew away with it, only to drop down on my little spot on earth. They are each different and special. Each of them has something to tell me, and I can sit and listen to the rain tell me all of them. What I hear is beautiful.


And thinking about the rain that was telling me those marvelous stories got me thinking of my writing. About how lucky I am to have found the thing that will always be there for me. Some people go their entire lives with out any clue of what they are doing. I am not claiming to have any idea why the heck I am here, but I at least have a way to help me sort out why things are happening. A way to even figure out what is happening . A way to get all of those extra emotions, the ones I just can't deal with, out of my brain and into something that I can manipulate and make sense of.

And of course thinking of writing made me wish to write something but sadly I am suffering from a deadly syndrome commonly known as writers block so I came here and I ranted a slight bit and decided I like putting pictures in my blog posts and I am going to continue.

That is all,
taylor

Well here goes one more list.
People who have taught me something:

1) Heather: I met Heather in the seventh grade. That was not exactly the best time of my life. I was going crazy, and acting it. And this random girl, in her pigtail braids and ugly sweater, plopped down in the seat next to me in math, determined to be my friend for some reason. I was as mean as I could be to her trying to get her to go away, but she was to dang stubborn to give up. Three years later and I still haven't shaken her, so I guess I might as well quit trying. What did she teach me? well, don't give up on what you want, be there for your friends, sometimes the best thing to do it listen.

2) Celina: Celina has been my best friend in the world for the last 13 years, more or less. Even though we fought a lot I always knew that she would be right there every time I needed her. She pushed me, and supported me, and told me it was okay to quit when I needed to. She was the only stable thing in my life for a long time and I am SO excited to go see her! What did she teach me? It is okay not to be perfect, as long as you do your best, and you are proud of that. Some times it is okay to quit. And that I can do anything I want.

3) Mike: Not sure how he got himself on this list so fast. I mean I have only known him for about four months. It seems like a lot more than that though. I mean this boy already knows most all of my secrets, things I haven't told people ever. It is insane but I really trust this boy, and he got to the number three spot because he listens to me, and helps me work through my problems, whither they be in my life or my writing. What has he taught me? The best friends are the ones who care what you have to say, who aren't afraid to tell you you are wrong, and who help you do your best.

4) Dad: Well, this one is an obvious answer. I love my father. He is a good man. He works hard and makes sure we have everything we need, whither we need that new pair of shoes or a hug, he finds a way to be there to give it to us. What has he taught me? Be loyal to your friends, but don't be afraid to make new friends. You never waste a day if you helped some one smile.

5) Oddly enough Macquel: Macquel is a different kind of teacher than the other people I have talked about. She was never really there for me, she didn't really listen to me, she used me, and then left me for the first guy to walk by her. So what did she teach me? She taught me not to take people for granted, because they aren't going to be there forever.

6) David: He was my son in 'It Runs In The Family'. I hung out with him every day for three months. And I don't think I ever really got to know him as well as I should have. He was easy, and uncomplicated, and just fun to be around (until Macquel came into the picture, then it was a little less uncomplicated, I had to play the role of Macquel's best friend) and I needed that. What did he teach me? He taught me that it is okay not to be what some one thinks you are. You don't have to follow the crowd to be loved. Be yourself and the people worth loving will find you.

7) Sister Saban: She was my favorite Young Woman's leader I have ever had. She believed in me when I didn't, she loved me unconditionally even when I told her my secret, she supported me in everything I did, and she didn't give up on me just because she wasn't my leader any more. What did she teach me? Some times all people need is to know you love them, so make sure that you tell them.

8) Mrs. Ellis: I don't even know her first name. She was my science teacher in 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th grade. She let me hang out in her room during recces. She helped me with my science fair project the year we went to state. What did she teach me? Well, out side of the science core that I learned so well from her, she taught me that it is okay to be smart, it isn't something to be ashamed of. She taught me to work hard for what I want.

9) Hilary: I realize she isn't an actual person. But she it just as real to me as any one else on this list. She started out as being me under a different name and set of circumstances but that isn't the case any more. I saw things in myself that I wrote in her that I didn't like and so as I helped her to find her self, she helped me do the same. What did she teach me? What you look like doesn't make any difference at all. You are who you are, and no ones opinion is going to change that.

I feel very, very alone. And very, very scared. And very, very ugly. And very, very fat. And lots of other very, very bad things. I hate my new school. Every one I have met is crazy and on drugs or having sex or other stupid things except for the girls in my ward. And so I hang around them and pretend like they are my friends. They aren't really. They are friends. And I am the random new kid who is following them around. I am there Cherokee.
I realized that no one who reads this has any idea who Cherokee is because the only person who would understand is Macquel and she hasn't cared about anything I have had to say for the last year or two. The story Macquel knows is that in the sixth grade there was this girl named Cherokee and she was new. And she wanted to be our friend so badly. She sat with us at lunch and followed us around the play ground. And we ignored her because we were already friends, we didn't need her. It is only now that I understand that she needed us. And I feel so bad for not being friends with her. Add that to my list of regrets.
So that is why I feel alone. I am scared because of the other two things I said I felt. Fat and Ugly. I can only remember feeling this alone once in my life. Right at the beginning of seventh grade. I feel a lot like I did then and that scares me to death because just look at how I reacted then. I stopped eating, shut out my family, and picked the wrong friends. I totally messed up and I can see myself falling into those same traps all over again. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was sure in what I believed and how I felt about myself. I was getting better. And now I can't say that any more.
It has only been a week at the new school and already I see myself skipping meals and pretending to be some one I'm not, at home and at school. It isn't good. And I can see it but I am not sure if I can stop it by myself. Actually, that is a lie. I am positive that I CAN"T stop it by myself. I'm just not sure if any one else will help me.

hello dear world.
I am quite tired. I am also quite bored. I am also supposed to have done a lot more homework this weekend. Alas I have done none. Oh well, I will put it off for another day. None of it is in dire need of finishing. I have made a goal. Would you like to hear about it? Oh good. I am going to tell you. I have decided that I will finish one of my stories before the start of next school year. I have yet to decide wither to finish the one with the better characters (Tristan) or the better plot (Marks). either way I am going to finish one of them. And the other will follow shortly. After that i will go on other exciting voyages into the deep recesses of my brain. And who knows what we will find there. Maybe a mermaid, or a leprechaun, or a girl with a yellow hat and green shoes. Maybe we will find out that a boy named Destry plays the didgeridoo in Manhattan, or Emery JoAnn is in love, or Bobert from Washington ate a jar of mayonnaise on a dare. Who knows, and who cares? Those are adventures for another day.