well. in case you wanted to know, I finally got over my writer's block. I know what i want to say, now I just have to stop procrastinating and say it. That is easier to say than do though. I really feel like just laying down and doing nothing. It is quite enjoyable.

I've actually decided that the time between when my alarm goes off and when I roll out of bed is my favorite few minutes of the day. I don't know why but just laying there thinking for a minute is the most relaxing thing in the universe. I like sitting in that state between dreams and reality where I can think about the coming day with out having to worry about it. Once I am fully awake my thoughts race a mile a minute with all the things that need done but for those few minutes the world is perfect and I can think about laying there all day and just resting and it is wonderful.

ok. I have absolutely nothing to say. nothing at all. but Mike made me feel all shades of guilty for not posting and so I have to make myself think a few words for him. I have had a lack of words for a few weeks now. I'm not really sure why that is though.

Well I fell asleep writing that. And seeing as that was less than 24 hours ago it is shocking to me how different I feel. I don't have a shortage of words anymore. In fact, I have so many words I can't think straight and I am making myself sick. And, as out of character as it is, I want to scream all of those words at my mother. Ok, before you call me out on that one let me explain. It is not out of character to be angry with my mother, only to want to scream at her. Normally I am very good at not letting her know when I am mad at her. I just let it slide and move on so that we don't have to fight. Well today I want to fight with her and tell her just how wrong she is.

Her and my dad had a big fight. And she walked out. Now this isn't the first time she has gotten angry and left, but it is the longest time. And she came home while we were at church today, planning on leaving again before we saw her, but we got home before she could take off. And do you know what she did? She told faith that she wasn't coming back. Faith. Her only daughter who really still cares. And it broke her heart. And I want to scream at her for it.

Sorry I didn't have time to write to you yesterday. I was busy retrieving my sister, and cleaning the house, and grocery shopping, and then I got yelled at to get off the computer and watch a movie with my sisters. We watched Little Rascals, then The Wizard of Oz, then The Princess and The Frog. We couldn't agree on one movie. We never can.

Anyway, I really should be writing right now. Well, writing my book. I am writing, just not anything that matters. This is just the random words that I spew when I can't come up with anything really important to say or make my words make any sense. The type of random words that don't really mean anything they are just there so that I can say I wrote something today.

I am having a lot of trouble with the chapter I am working on. I just crushed my main character's hopes and dreams for the future at the same time as I broke her heart and told her that everything she knew to be unchangeable and true was a lie and she isn't handling it well. She isn't moping or crying about it, or angry, or anything. She is just gone. She is hiding from me in my brain some where and I need to find her fast because I need her help to get the silly chapter done so we can get to the part where I make it all better again.

that is all.
taylor.

I've found myself in a strange mood today. I don't know if it is actually to be considered a mood actually, maybe I have just found myself wanting something so badly it hurts my heart that I don't have it. either way I just really want to be madly in love, some place quite with the man of my dreams holding me, just content to sit in the silence with each other. to not have to fill the space around us with words because it is already full with something words can't begin to describe.

I want to find the guy who can pull out the romantic, eloquent words when the moment arises, who will have a snappy come back for everything, and a joke for every occasion but who can also be content just sitting with me. who can be happy sitting with a cup of hot chocolate having the only conversation come from the way we look at each other.

that is all.
taylor.

I don't really have anything to say but I feel like I have majorly failed at my blog this summer and need to fix that so I am going back to posting every day. or at least trying to. I don't know how well this will work when school starts again but that is okay.

Today I found out that my friend Jesse doesn't hate me. I thought he did and it made me really sad, like crying type of sad. I though he hated me because we were best friends one day and then he stopped answering my phone calls and didn't say hi to me in the halls at school, in fact he went the opposite direction in the halls at school, and I don't know about you guys but I thought that meant he didn't want to talk to me any more. And it wasn't exactly random. He was dating one of my best friends and he stopped talking to me when she broke up with him. I figured he was mad at her and saw us as a sort of package deal so he was mad at me too and we couldn't be friends.

Well, I felt bad about how that break up went because Jesse is a good person, and an amazing friend, and he deserves so much better than what happened. I knew he was upset and so I figured he was just upset at first and would come talk to me when he was less hurt. Well, it has been a year now and he never did so I came to the conclusion that he wasn't coming back to being my best friend and I settled for facebook stalking to keep up with his life and wishing I could talk to him about everything or anything.

Now I bet you are all thinking, "so what happened to make you realise he doesn't hate you?" and I'll tell you what. Faith and I were talking and she mentioned that about once a week Jesse would send her a message on facebook asking her how I was but she never responded because she didn't know if she should. So not only does Jesse not hate me, he actually still cares about me. All of this time he has been doing the same thing I have been doing and we could have been friends but he worried that since my friend broke up with him I had too.

that is all.
taylor.

Guys, I am with Cini right now! Isn't that the coolest ever? Yes, yes it is. We went to camp last week and I could go on for hours about how much fun that was but that would bore even the most die hard fan to the point of sleep because you were not there and you do not know those people or places or anything that I would mention in said stories so you don't really care even if you love me to death.
Something you might care about, or at least that I thought was cool and figured I might as well tell you, is that I pet a goose today. Yep, you read that correctly. I was in a park with Cini and her sister Jill and we walked to a lake. At this lake, we feed geese. And these geese were so cool that they came and ate out of your hand. One of them in particular came and rubbed its head on my leg like a dog. And so I pet it. And then I thought of all the germs on it and went home to shower. But I pet it.
that is all.
taylor.

hello world. do you know how excited I am for next week to happen? So over the moon excited that I might explode. That excited. I cannot wait to see Celina! Only 8 more days! That is crazy! I stopped counting for a while because it felt like such a long time to say "only 48 more days" and then last night I realised how close it was! I am so excited to play with her.

We are going to go to girls camp and I am going to get to hear her share her testimony, which always reminds me why I believe what I do. We are going to play Disney Monopoly, I will finally be able to correct the fact that she won the last round last visit and be the reining champion once again. We are going to walk to the grocery store and buy french bread and ice cream, our silly traditions are my favorite. We are going to eat cough drops like candy. We are going to play a game of Uno and 3:49 in the morning, only turning on her book light. We are going to tell each other secrets. I am finally going to be able to put faces to the people in her stories. She is going to see my red hair. It is going to be a trip to remember.

The one and only negative thing I can think of is that I am SUPER nervous to fly by my self. I have only been on an airplane once and I hated it. I got sick and we missed our flight and my mother had a panic attack and we got lost in Chicago. It wasn't good. I must really love Cini if I am willing to fly again. I much prefer driving. I am super worried that I am going to miss my flight and be stuck some where, alone, for who knows how long. Or the plane with crash and I will die. Or I will have to sit next to a creeper. Or, or, or.

that is all.
taylor.

look guys I am writing here solely as a form of procrastination! again. I'm not sure why this is always where I go before facebook or any where else on the web. I come here before I even try to write a new chapter! That is ridiculous. I guess I just really enjoy talking to myself.

right now I am listening to The Beatles. They are wonderful. I was having bad dreams last night and couldn't sleep so I put them on and have been playing them since then. They just make me happy. Which is a hard thing to do right now. I am kind of down.

I need to get over that though. I have to be on the top of my game tomorrow if Gracie and I are going to teach our new ward how to do Girl's Camp correctly. from what I hear they have failed miserably every year up until now. failed to the point of rumors being spread, AT GIRLS CAMP! That is so not cool. it is supposed to be the one week of the year that we don't have to deal with icky girl fighting tactics. And on top of that last year there were a bunch of girls being left out! They contributed it to the ward being so big but that is crap. First ward is three times as big and they have never left some one out of anything! Gracie and I are determined to fix this.

You know I really hope that I get into the presidency when the current president leaves because there is so much that I could do for this ward.

OH! I never told you what I was procrastinating! I got distracted by The Beatles. I am putting off cleaning my room. I don't think it has ever been this dirty and it is driving me crazy. You know for how OCD I am about my room being clean, it gets messy really fast. It is just my clothes. I can't help but try on at least 10 different things every morning before I pick something and the rejects end up every where, laid in piles to be worn another day. It is horrible. And now that I have thought about it, it is bugging me more and more by the second and I have to go now.

that is all.
taylor.

have I mentioned that I really, really hate writer's block. it seems as though I always get it as soon as I start writing consistently and actually making progress. I must find a way to beat it if I am going to reach my goal of finishing by the end of this silly summer.

I cannot believe that we are already a month into summer. it feels like it just started a week ago and last night heather and I were talking about back to school shopping! time just seems to have flown past me so quickly. trek is over, girls camp is this week, and then heather's birthday and it is off to see cini! and when I get back from her house summer will be mostly over! crazy. . .

since I mentioned heather's birthday I should probably let you all know that I picked well when I choose her as my friend. she is turning 16 in two weeks and do you want to know what she asked me to get her? a blue light saber and pens. she is so wonderful. I love that I have friends like her. and I am planning something secret and cool for her on her birthday and I am so proud of myself for having kept it a secret for such a long time because I have had the idea for at least a month now and haven't told her. I feel like that is a record for me and secret keeping.

I am horrible at keeping secrets. its not that I don't want to keep them a secret it is just that they are so exciting and make me so happy that I want to share that happiness with the people around me. it is a horrible habit and I am trying to get better at it. I think that is why I hate surprises also. because I cannot believe that someone would keep something that cool hidden from me. it is silly, but oh well.

I've decided to grow my hair out long and wear it curly more often. It used to curl naturally, but it has been to short to do that for a few years now and I don't know if it still will when I grow it out. I hope it does because long, red, curly hair sounds good and it would be a pain to have to curl my hair every day. I mean I wouldn't mind too much, I would get really good at it pretty fast and it wouldn't take to long but still having it curl by itself is better. heather wants to grow her hair longer to and I think it is a good idea. long hair and lots of writing in our junior year sounds good to me.

it is weird to me that we are going to be in our junior year in two months. that means that I will be 17 in three month and 18 in two years and three months. two years, three months, and seven days to be exact. not that I am counting or anything. and two years sounds like a long time until I think of how fast this year went by. I am coming closer to the part where my life starts for real and it is slowly getting more and more exciting.

that is all.
taylor.

You guys, I hate myself just a little right now. Okay, more than just a little. I feel like crap. I cannot believe I got myself into this position. I have felt bad for some time now about something I have been doing.

I really like a boy. He makes me really happy. He knows all of my secrets, some that I didn't even know I was keeping until I told him. He always says the exact right thing to make me smile. I look forward to talking to him every day and when I get the chance to my heart beats a mile a minute and it gets hard to breath. But it shouldn't be like that.

After everything I went through with Macquel taking boy after boy from me I promised I would never do that to someone I loved. And you know what, I broke that promise. One of my best friends in the world liked this boy before I even met him. I should have stopped talking to him the moment I started to feel something for him. But I didn't.

I kept talking to him and now my friend is hurt in a way that I never intended to hurt her and I don't think there is any way I can fix it at this point no matter how hard I try. And just to make it worse she keeps trying to tell me that it is fine, that it isn't my fault, that she did this to herself. That is the worst part of this whole thing. and I hate myself a whole lot more than a little bit because of it.

that is all.
taylor.

Guess what you guys? At this very moment in time I am supposed to be writing. I am supposed to have a chapter done by the morning. Alas, I have little more than a page written and I am stuck. I really need to get this chapter done because I left the last one with a deadly cliffhanger.

And now, at this very second Mike is asking me how it is coming and I am debating wither or not
I should tell him that for a moment I have completely given up to talk to who ever happens to read this. I don't think I will, he will find out eventually. . .
I really want to get to 200 pages. And heather just took off er bra. It was odd because I looked over at her and she pulled it out of the top of her shirt. I bet she wouldn't appreciate me telling you all that but she will get over it.

My legs really hurt. I just walked a lot. In a skirt in the mountains pulling a hand cart. And my baby Emma Jane died on the last day but my Pa ran back to her grave and dug her up so that I could keep her. She is next to me right not. And she is very dirty. I should probably wash her. I bet she doesn't appreciate being covered in dirt from her grave. I was very dirty when I got home. I don't think I have ever been that dirty in my life. It was horribly gross.

Any who, I should probably get back to my chapter now. . .

wish me luck.
taylor.

My soul has been enlightened to great compunctions because of my augmented unfamiliarity with my blog in recent days. I desiderate for your amnesty oh puissant readers. I will endeavor to remedy the situation posthaste.